


Coffee And Murder Go Together Like Peas And Carrots

by NympheSama



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Coffee, Crack?, Jack Being an Idiot, Jack being Jack, M/M, Murder, Rhys being a little shit, Violence, fluff gone wrong
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 17:33:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21019583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NympheSama/pseuds/NympheSama
Summary: Jack and Rhys are having an intimate momentUntil Jack discovers something truly horrifying





	Coffee And Murder Go Together Like Peas And Carrots

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for @JustineTinkWink because... well, I said I would. But;
> 
> This is garbage. I don't know why you're even reading this note; its seriously just - its bad. Okay? Really bad.  
You've been warned.
> 
> Anyway, all that said - I hope you enjoy!
> 
> x My love to you all x

**Coffee And Murder Go Together Like Peas And Carrots.**

  
  


Rhys grinned as he fed Jack a pretzel, draped over his lap in Jack’s plush throne-like chair in his office, with a fake fire crackling on the screen beside them and his lover gazing up at him adoringly; his heart was practically overflowing with love and affection. “So… was this a good surprise, Handsome?” He asked, snickering as Jack huffed and chewed his grape, pretending to think about his answer. “Has it lived up to the infamous, Handsome Jack high standards of sporadic romantic moments?” He added curiously, a wicked gleam in his eyes as he leaned closer to Jack and hovered just beyond the reach of his lips.

“Still a couple hours left ‘fore the work days up, Cupcake…” Jack hummed, straining to lean upward and connect his lips to his playful lovers. “Probably oughta see what they hold in store, before making any kind of decisions or comparisons, so… I tell ya what,” he said, patting Rhys’ thigh suggestively. “I’ll let ya know in the morning.” He said at last, snickering when Rhys swatted him round the shoulder.

“You’re such a swine.” He goaded, laughing when Jack immediately dove forward and nipped playfully at his collarbone. “Hey!” He giggled, snorting as he shoved Jack back against the chair and gazed down at him lovingly, leaning forward slowly to allow him a sweet kiss, despite his childish behaviour. His breath caught, his lips tingling with warmth and Jack teased him with gentle swipes of his tongue, his fingers sweeping lightly across his cheek. “I hate it when you do that…” he grumbled petulantly, though his wide grin blatantly revealed his true feelings.

“No, you don’t.” Jack countered knowingly, chuckling quietly as he tickled Rhys’s throat with the soft pads of his fingertips.

“You’re right, I don’t…” Rhys sighed, tilting his head and allowing Jack’s fingers to wander further, trailing over his collarbone teasingly. “But I  _ do _ hate that you know that.” He added, snickering when Jack’s fingers hooked and dipped beneath his cybernetic arm, tickling his side briefly before returning to the much more interesting, tattooed flesh at his throat.

It was as Jack’s fingers drifted idly back and forth along Rhys’ shoulder, that he recalled something one of the technicians had said when he was gathering the lunch things he’d decided to surprise Jack with. “Hey, did you know we had a decent coffee machine on the sixth floor?” He asked abruptly, loosening Jack’s top button with a lopsided grin. “I heard about it from Vaughn when we were heading through the Hub of Heroism the other day, thought I would try it out…” he said, half falling out of Jack’s lap when he leaned toward his desk with sudden enthusiasm.

“No shit, you got coffee from Dumpy?!” He demanded, eyeing his desk expectantly and frowning when he saw a cheap brown takeaway cup of coffee, rather than the familiar yellow travel mug of his favourite coffee maker. “What the fuck is  _ this _ , Rhys?” He asked, nudging the cup with his fingertip dubiously.

“Well… I was  _ going  _ to get coffee there,” Rhys said slowly, hesitating and worrying his lip as Jack’s masked face drained of the previous affectionate moment they’d shared. “But, uh… well, it kind of,” he winced, peeking at Jack from beneath his lashes as he felt Jack stiffen. “Broke?” He offered tentatively, yelping when Jack abruptly roared and stood, dropping Rhys to the floor.

“God  _ damn _ that stupid sack of useless piss for brains!” He snarled, pacing around his desk as he scowled back at Rhys. “When did it break? How’d it happen?” He demanded, as Rhys rubbed his ass and sniffed haughtily, averting his gaze from his lover petulantly.

“I don’t know.” He said stiffly, pouting at the far wall as Jack growled and stormed away from him. “Hey, where are you going?!” He yelped, his haughty outrage forgotten as he stumbled after Jack. “”I thought we were, ya know…” he said awkwardly, pretending not to notice the heat which collected in his cheeks; despite the numerous times he’d let Jack fuck him in his office.

“Rhysie, you don’t seem to understand…” Jack bit out, whirling back towards Rhys with a vicious swipe of his arm through the air. “Dumpy was the one piece of machinery on this  _ idiot riddled _ space station that actually made  _ good _ coffee.” He drawled slowly, gesticulating heavily with his hands as Rhys folded his own arms over his chest and raised a brow, clearly unimpressed with the explanation. “D’you know how much coffee I drink, Cupcake? ‘Course you don’t, you’ve never had to get it for me…” he said, shaking his head as he turned back to his office doors. “Look, the point is; I drink a lot of fucking coffee, okay? And now, the one place that made  _ decent  _ coffee, is useless.” He sighed, stepping into his private elevator and scowling back at Rhys. “So,  _ obviously... _ I have to go and kill all the idiots who’re responsible for that.” He said with a dismissive shrug, pressing the button for the sixth floor as Rhys yelped and quickly slid into the elevator before the doors closed.

“You don’t think you’re overreacting? Just a little?” He asked, raising a brow as he peered up at Jack sceptically.

"Shut up, Rhys. I never overreact to anything." Jack scoffed, unholstering his gun and checking his ammunition.

" _ Riiiight _ …" Rhys snorted, rolling his eyes as he flashed a sly smirk at the Hyperion CEO. "Dahl-"

" _ Dahl do not fucking exist! _ " Jack roared, slamming his gun back into its holster as he rounded on Rhys, his mask a dark vision of rage. " _ Dahl is a fucking memory and we do not talk about it! _ " He snarled, slapping his hand to Rhys' throat and pinning him to the elevator wall. "You better have something  _ damn _ good to say for yourself for bringing up that  _ filth _ of an ancient relic…" he warned, squeezing Rhys' windpipe beneath his hand and narrowing his eyes when Rhys grinned and panted weakly.

“Sure,” he wheezed, waving his brows at the unforgiving leader of the Hyperion Corporation. “ _ Choke me harder, daddy… _ ” He breathed, chuckling when Jack blinked in surprise and unwittingly released his tight grip on his throat.

Jack stared for a full half a second, before slamming his lips to Rhys’ in a hard and demanding kiss; which was abruptly cut short by the elevator doors pinging open, much to Rhys’ consternation. “You’re an idiot, Rhysie.” Jack said, flicking Rhys’ nose scoldingly as he shook his head and ran his free hand over his immaculate hair, turning away and striding into a stream of busy technicians. “Stay there.” He ordered over his shoulder, as Rhys scoffed and pointedly ignored him, following with a petulant pout.

“‘M not an idiot…” he muttered to himself, scowling at Jack’s back as he waded through the crowds, heading directly for the one corner of the entire floor where a small coffee maker stood. “ _ You’re  _ an idiot…  _ idiot. _ ” He groused, blushing and averting his gaze when Jack glanced back at him with a knowing raised brow.

Jack turned back to his coffee machine, sighing with defeat as he gestured to the small ‘out of order’ sign which had been half heartedly taped to the front. “Dumpy…” he said wistfully, shaking his head remorsefully as Rhys stepped up beside him with a skeptical grimace, his echo eye activating as he scanned the coffee maker. “Only place on all of Helios that didn’t give you watered down, piss poor excuse for coffee.” He said dispassionately, eyeing the machine with a respect which made Rhys roll his eyes.

“Jack, you’re overreacting.” He said, sighing as he gestured towards the coffee maker. “It’s-”

Jack sighed before Rhys was finished, unholstering his gun and turning to aim it at a random passing technician. “Okay, peas for brains!” He called, as Rhys huffed and shook his head, folding his arms over his chest as he stepped over to the coffee maker and turned to watch with vague interest. “I’m here to find out which one of you  _ morons _ broke this fine ass piece of machinery… and I don’t mean Rhys.” He said, flashing Rhys a brief wink as he pointedly looked away. “So, you tell me what I wanna know now, or-” he called, pulling the trigger and blowing a hole through the unfortunate technician’s head. “You’re all gonna have a  _ real _ bad day. Just like that guy.” 

“Jack-” Rhys called flatly, looking over with a bored expression as Jack promptly ignored him and began shooting at random. “ _ Why _ ? Why do I even stay in this dumb relationship? It’s like dating a giant kid that lives in its own personal toybox…” Rhys muttered to himself, watching with disinterest as Jack roared with laughter at a man who pissed his pants before he shot him in the shoulder. “I guess there’s the sex… he’s okay at that I guess,” Rhys mused to himself, flicking a speck of brain matter from his shoulder with a faint frown. “Okay, he’s pretty good… and the whole narcissism thing actually works for me. Being surrounded by posters and photos of him is just like being back at my place…” he hummed to himself, mentally comparing Jack’s penthouse to his old apartment; the only true difference being the size, as both were plastered with Handsome Jack memorabilia.

“Oh, come  _ on! _ ” Jack roared, drawing Rhys from his musings as he looked over to see the Hyperion leader with his hand clasped tightly around a technician’s throat, crushing their trachea beneath his palm as he scowled and turned to aim at the back of another technician, who was attempting to flee the carnage. “Don’t run away!” Rhys raised a brow at the blood spattering Jack’s mask and jacket, wondering briefly how he’d managed to make such a mess of himself, before his vision turned red.

“Jack!” He cried, jerking away from the coffee machine abruptly and scowling as he stepped over the body which had fallen just in front of him, stalking over to Jack furiously and jabbing him in the chest. “These are  _ genuine _ skag leather!” He said, gesturing to his now blood stained boots, as Jack glanced down and raised a questioning brow. “Do you know how hard it is to clean these at all? Let alone to get  _ blood  _ out of them?!” He demanded, his scowl falling into a sulky pout as he shoved at Jack’s chest.

“Cupcake, I’ve been telling you to get rid of those shitty boots for months…” Jack said, shrugging a shoulder dismissively as the guy he was choking wheezed. “See, even Chokey here agrees. Don’t you, Kiddo?” He asked conversationally, turning to the guy expectantly as he began to frantically attempt to nod his head.

“Shut  _ up, _ nobody asked  _ you _ !” Rhys screamed at the technician, snatching Jack’s gun from his hand and shooting the guy in the head, before waving the gun before Jack’s nose threateningly. “And you can just shut up too, mister I have a life size posted of myself beside my bed! You are more tacky than anyone else around here, so you don’t get to comment on my shoes!” He ranted, waving Jack’s gun around in the air as he sucked in a deep breath and ran his free hand through his hair. “Besides which… I already ordered new coffee beans. They’ll be here any minute.” He said, scowling at Jack irritably.

“... it won’t be the same.” Jack finally muttered, turning away with a huff as Rhys rolled his eyes. “It’ll taste different. Dumpy got broke, okay, so this is just a right of passage… saying goodbye to the last decent coffee on Helios.” He continued, as Rhys gazed at him with cool disregard.

“It’ll be the same.” Rhys said flatly, gesturing over to the coffee machine. “It’s not broken. It’s out of order, meaning; nobody remembered to refill the coffee beans this morning.” He explained slowly, as Jack paused and cast an uncertain look at the coffee machine.

“You sure about this, Rhysie..?” He asked uncertainly, as Rhys scoffed and gestured at his echo eye. Jack frowned another half second longer, before he curled his hand around Rhys’ waist and pulled him closer. “You fixed it for me, Cupcake?” He purred, as Rhys snorted and sighed with exasperation.

“‘Fixed’ might be a bit of a stretch, but…” he said, falling silent when Jack’s thumb and index finger captured his chin and he pressed a rough kiss to his lips, stealing Rhys’ breath as he hummed weakly. “But, well, I mean… I uh, I did that. Yeah…” Rhys muttered dazedly as Jack pulled away, beaming a relieved grin at him.

“I have those beans you ordered, mister Strongf-” Rhys yelped as he lifted the gun and shot the speaker in the toe, clearing his throat guiltily as he scratched the back of his neck and pointedly ignored Jack’s raucous laughter beside him.

“Oh, uh… sorry about that.” Rhys said, shrugging innocently as he eyed the coffee bean deliverer with a vaguely apologetic grin. “I startle easily.” He said flippantly, gesturing towards the coffee machine as the coffee bean bearer whimpered. “It’s over there.”

“Y-yes sir, mister Strongf-” Rhys coughed as he shot the bearer of the coffee beans in the throat, spreading his palms innocently as he peeked up at Jack. 

“I did warn them…” he said, as Jack laughed and took back his gun, reholstering it as he peered down at Rhys adoringly.

“Cupcake, you know I don’t care about your name being Strongfuck, right?” He asked, as Rhys cleared his throat and blushed, averting his eyes and gesturing to the dropped coffee beans. 

“You uh, want some coffee, Handsome?” He asked, making an abortive attempt to collect the beans, as Jack snagged his wrist and pulled him flush against him.

“I’m good for coffee right now, Rhysie…” he purred, his fingers wandering blatantly across Rhys’ waistband. “Think maybe we should head back to the office and pick up where we left off, hmm?” He said, as Rhys tried to resist, but ultimately melted into his embrace.

“I guess I could be persuaded…” he huffed, biting his lip as Jack approached for another kiss; pressing a finger to his lips abruptly as his eyes turned hard. “But you’re buying me new boots later.” He said seriously, pouting when Jack snickered at him.

“Cupcake,” he said, moving Rhys’ finger aside and kissing him sweetly. “I’ll buy you all the awful boots you want.”


End file.
